Sunday, December 31, 2006

Dating Out Of Your League


Date Like a Model, Even if You're Not One of Them


Dr. Neder;

I was just dropping by to ask a serious question about how to attract a very beautiful woman. I live in San Diego and there are a lot of beautiful women here, but I am very shy and there are times where I see women that are out of my league and wonder if just maybe?

I was just wondering if there is something I could do to make them notice me and find me attractive even though I may not have model looks.

Hello!

Abso-freakin'-lutely!!!! Your looks have almost nothing whatsoever to do with the women that you date!

You're starting off with a mistake. You believe that in order to attract very beautiful women, you have to be equally good looking. Not so. Let me give you a short list of examples from music:

* Carmen Electra & Dave Navarro
* Heather Locklear & Tommy Lee & Richie Sambora
* Pamela Anderson & Tommy Lee & Kid Rock
* Kate Hudson & Chris Robinson
* Shanna Moakler & Travis Barker
* Christie Brinkley & Billy Joel
* Dita Von Teese & Marilyn Manson
* Avril Lavigne & Deryck Whibley
* Paulina Porizkova & Ric Ocasek
* Heidi Klum & Seal
* Shannon Tweed & Gene Simmons
* Liv Tyler & Royston Langdon
* Jerry Hall & Mick Jagger
* Rachel Hunter & Rod Stewart
* Donna D'errico & Nikki Sixx
* Gwyneth Paltrow & Chris Martin

In general, these guys aren't "beautiful" by any stretch, but their wives are all considered "10's". Now, you may be trying to excuse this away by saying "Well, their famous! I'm not!" No, you're not, but that's not the point. I'm using these examples simply because you'll know them. They're famous not because of who they married, or being rock stars (there are TONS of musicians that aren't famous!) It's because of their "power". Read on.

Just because looks are important to YOU means nothing. Women have different motivations than men and trying to impose your wants on women will get you nowhere.

So, the question then is: what do I have to do/know/be/say in order to attract beautiful women?

While there are many sub-categories of things that women want in men, I'd boil it down to one thing that is the most important: power. Power expresses itself in a number of ways; confidence, sense of humor, money and many others. The more of these you can express outwardly, the more you'll attract the women you seek.

Women report that the very first thing they notice about men (besides their height and then their eyes) is their shoes. If your shoes are in good shape, it says that you must be "in good shape" too. The second thing they notice is your watch. Beyond these things, your confidence starts to come through.

Note that women often report sense of humor as the most important aspect, but sense of humor and confidence are really one in the same! You have to have confidence in order to be comfortable putting yourself out there to tell jokes or cut-up without fear of failure. Thus, focusing on confidence is the better choice.

In my second book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World II"; I talk about the "seduction tree". This is the key to meeting and winning the most desirable women. It works like this:

Power <-----> Confidence
^

V
Humor <-----> Cockiness

What does all this mean? Simple: you gain power via a number of ways including the ones I've already mentioned. Through this you create confidence. You also show power via confidence.

Next, you learn humor - that is, how to be funny (and yes, you CAN learn this!) Then, express it via cockiness which increases your "sense of humor" factor. In other words, these things all work together to build each other - and thus, your "desirability" in the eyes of women!

Stop limiting yourself by thinking your looks have anything to do with which women you date. It's your power that makes that determination. Learn power and you can look like Ric Ocasek (Google him if you need) and hang with the most beautiful women.

Best regards...
------------------------------------------------------------------
Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? You can write to me by going to: http://beingaman.com/ask_question.asp for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's Worldtm" (volumes I & II), and other products visit: http://beingaman.com/General%20-%202005/www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

Copyright (c) 2006, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Trouble in Break-up City


Trouble in Break-Up City


Dr. Neder,

My fiancé decided it was best to end our two year relationship about a month and a half ago. In this time I have realized why she did it and that she meant more to me than I ever knew. I made a lot of mistakes that I didn't see until now.

I talked to her about a month ago and she desperately wanted to be friends but I told her I couldn't do it. In this phone call she said she still loved me and wanted to keep the option for us to get back together open but didn't want to yet. She also seemed concerned about something I said a while back. I said that if she ever dated another man after we broke up that we would never get back together. I told her that this rule didn't necessarily apply anymore. The very next day she started dating another man. The information that I have is all from a reliable friend.

I did not talk to her or see her for a month. Yesterday I called her and left a message saying that we could be friends now and if she ever wanted to talk she should call me. She hasn't called yet. This woman is perfect for me and now that I know the mistakes I made I can fix it all and we could have a perfect, everlasting relationship. I just need her to give me the chance.

I will do anything to get her back. She is the woman that I am meant to be with. How can I win her back even though she has a boyfriend? I will do anything and I'm not just saying that.


Hello!

Well, you SAY that you'll do anything, but we'll see! Most guys claim this and few actually will do it. Here's what you have to do: start dating other women right away.

Will you do that? If not, then you don't need to read any further as nothing else I'm going to tell you will help. You'll just have to wait around and try to convince her that she should come back to you and that you'll change.

In fact, this won't work anyway. You didn't say what it was that you've done that is so heinous, but in fact, she fell in love with that guy you used to be. If you change him, she might come back (after you've been "punished" sufficiently) but she'll never stay around.

I'm always concerned when a couple breaks up this way. When you have problems, you work through them as a team. You don't leave in order to punish someone and you especially don't start dating someone else to hurt them. She's obviously put her message across to you, but this isn't exactly a healthy, relationship-building way to do it. Thus, I have to question the foundation of the relationship itself.

I hope you're still reading as you really need to hear all of this. I'm assuming that you want her back and that you want to get married. Frankly, I would urge you to rethink the marriage part of this in the strongest terms.

This isn't just about you not doing something (or doing something wrong) and she wants it fixed. As I've said twice now, this is about punishment. Otherwise, she'd have tried to work all of this out with you. If you go ahead and get married, it'll be more out of fear of losing her again than because getting married is the right move for your relationship.

Getting married will never give you "possession" of her. You can never own another person even by marrying them - people are just as likely to leave or cheat or disassociate from their partners as when single. All marriage will do is to give her more tools in order to punish you next time! With a poor foundation to begin with, this would have all the making of a disaster!

So, what about my original advice that you start dating other women? Here's the reality:

Right now, she knows she has you hanging by the front door. She has no real motivation to forgive you and thus, likely doesn't plan too unless things go sour with the new guy, and even then, it's not because she's committing to something - it's because she doesn't have a better deal waiting! Even worse, I'll bet she's scared that you'll no longer be the guy she used to love!

Is that really how you want a relationship (let alone a marriage) to work? I seriously, hope not!

By starting to date other women, you're giving yourself (and frankly, your relationship) some options. You'll get your head clear about all of this and you'll start to remember how you should be treated by women. In effect, you'll start taking back that power you no longer have.

Once that is done, you can start negotiations with her *IF* you want to! This will no longer be about being sorry; it'll be about what's best for the relationship between you two. What you have now is definitely NOT that right now!

So, my original question still stands. Will really you do what you have to in order to have her back? We'll see.

Best regards...
------------------------------------------------------------------
Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? You can write to me by going to: http://beingaman.com/ask_question.asp for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's Worldtm" (volumes I & II), and other products visit: http://beingaman.com/General%20-%202005/www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

Copyright (c) 2006, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

"Being Friends"





Hi Doctor,

I am getting to know a Christian girl. We have been going out for almost two months and I told her that I like her. In the beginning she told me that she was not interested in a relationship right now but was ok with being friends and she continues to go out with me. She answers my calls most of the time but when she doesn't I become anxious and I start thinking too much.

Please how can I deal with it?
Thanks.

Hello!

Of course she likes going out with you - you're free entertainment! She gets to have free meals, movies and is generally entertained when she goes out with you. Even better she gets to tell her friends that she has guys "...hanging all over her..."

That doesn't mean she's ever going to give you anything more just because you buy her food and drinks.

It also sounds like you're trying to dominate her time. You didn't mention this specifically but it's a common pattern in this sort of situation. By doing so, she never gets the chance to miss you or to use her feminine mind to build you up.

Let me give you some secrets you need to understand about women:

1) Women don't want to be chased - they want to DO the chasing.

This is an important lesson for any man to learn. If you chase a woman (like this one), she sees herself as "above you" in your relationship. That's very bad because women want to date "up". That is, they want to date (and win) someone that is above them instead. You're proving with every date that you're not this guy.

2) She already knows that she "owns you"; thus, you're worth nothing to her. Thus, if she gets you, what does she really get? Nothing.

3) All women "define" themselves by their relationships just as we guys "define" outselves via our careers. Any time a woman says that she doesn't want a relationship "right now" it means that she doesn't want a relationship "with you."

4) You've already played your hand so you have nothing to bargain with. You've told her that you "like her". She doesn't have to chase you because you've already given yourself away to her - for free.

In effect, what you did was tell her that you liked her in the hopes that she would just somehow fall in love with you and then, do all your work for you. Since she didn't, now you continue trying to dominate her time and get anxious when she doesn't pick up the phone because you're afraid that she's out with someone else.

If you really want this girl, you're going to now have to work 10 times harder - and smarter - than you'd otherwise have had to. Your chances of having her now are extremely remote and my best advice to you is to move on and find someone else that you DON'T make these mistakes with.

Of course, you're not going to take that because as a guy you actually believe that you can win someone if you just work hard enough. Ok, that's fine. Let me tell you what you need to do now:

1) Get very scarce. Don't call her, don't contact her, don't run into her - nothing. If she contacts you, that's fine, but take 3-4 days to get back with her. Don't do it immediately.

2) If she contacts you, tell her that you don't want to be her "friend" - you already have enough of these - and if she isn't into a "relationship right now" (bullshit as we've already discussed) that you're not interested in her either.

3) (Most important step): start dating other women RIGHT AWAY! It doesn't really even matter if you're interested in them or not! You just have to get out there in order to clear you mind of this girl. When you don't need her, you'll be able to make better decisions about how to win her.

Sorry my brother, that's the reality.

Best regards...
------------------------------------------------------------------
Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? You can write to me by going to: http://beingaman.com/ask_question.asp for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's Worldtm" (volumes I & II), and other products visit: http://beingaman.com/General%20-%202005/www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

Copyright (c) 2006, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.

Wednesday, December 6, 2006

My Hot Neighbor


My Neighbor's Hot - And She Knows It!


Hey Doc:

I've had a few girlfriends in the past and have no problems with experience. I don't think I'm God's gift to women, but I'm not particularly ugly either.

I've fallen for a neighbor girl. I'm not shy to talk to her, but she's just perfect. She's a very nice person, but thinks quite a lot of herself (which makes me all the more attracted to her!)

Do you have some kind of technique or form of body language I could use or a conversation that I could bring up? I'm not shy so ill try anything!

Thanks in anticipation.

Hello!

I've got the perfect technique for the perfect situation here. As you said, she "...thinks quite a lot of herself..." That's really a ripe, ideal ground for taking that away a little!

Here's how this works: by "busting" and "challenging" her, you instantly change the relative position between you and she. In effect, you "raise your stock" in her eyes.

In order to do this, you need to treat her like your bratty little sister rather than someone that you're interested in. By giving her attention, you simply play into that belief about herself. Worse, you become just like every other guy that's interested in her.

When you bust her on the other hand, you in effect tell her that she has to work for your attention - that you're not going to just give it to her for free - and you instantly become someone she has to know, because, well, you're not like every other guy!

Do you see how this works?

By acting cocky and treating her like she's not really that interesting to you you're going to become irresistible to her.

In order to do this, just imagine how you'd treat your little sister that always wants to hang around you. You'd be teasing her - and you'd mean it. Of course, you wouldn't be down-right mean to her, but you wouldn't be very warm and cuddly either! This is the balance you want to strike.

For example, if you see her next door, you can say to her, "Are you spying on me or something?" or "You're not going to become one of those nutty busy-body neighbors like you hear about on the news, are you?"

The trick here is to NOT laugh or make it a joke! Act like you really mean it, but leave the question open. Do you or don't you?

If you pull this off just right, you're going to have her eating out of your hands.

One last point: You can't do this without giving her an "in". That is, she has to be able to win your attention at some point. She'll slowly start ramping up her attempts to get you to be more than just her neighbor. Resist the temptation to just jump right in however. Give in just a little - and then take it away again.

You can say something like, "Ok, you're obviously looking for attention, but I'm busy right now. Let's go out on Saturday, but I'll call you if I can't." Don't call to confirm however - just assume that she's waiting for you on Saturday, but it's good to keep her guessing until the last minute.

Best regards...
------------------------------------------------------------------
Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? You can write to me by going to: http://beingaman.com/ask_question.asp for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's Worldtm" (volumes I & II), and other products visit: http://beingaman.com/General%20-%202005/www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

Copyright (c) 2006, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.